plus ca change...

Scene: interior of car. 

Mom (speaking to Kid's Very Good Friend in the back seat): So, do you like the girls in your class this year?

Kid's Very Good Friend: Oh, yes.  All the girls are very nice.  None of them have been to the office.  ALL the boys have.

The bottom line

Scene: Dining table.  Dinner.  Mom and Dad are explaining to The Kid, age 6 3/4, that both are starting new jobs the next day. 

Mom: So on Monday Mrs. A will pick you up, and on Tuesday Mrs. B will take you to gymnastics, and then I'll pick you up there. And on Wednesday, you'll go to aftercare and then I'll pick you up. 

Dad: And Thursday is Daddy day!  That's my day off and I can pick you up.

Kid:  Yea!  Daddy!

Mom (teasingly): Oh, I know Daddy is your favorite.

Kid (reaching arms out to Dad like a tiny tot and wiggling fingers):  Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Mom: And why is he your favorite?

Pause.  The Kid looks carefully from one grown-up to another. 

Kid: Because Daddy does what I want him to. 

From the Archives: Top 10 Reasons Why a Three Year Old Cannot Go To Sleep...

Scene: doorway of young child's room, barricaded with a pressure gate

#10:"I'm not sleepy."
#9: "I need some water by my bed."
#8: "I'm lonely."
#7. "I want to be out there with you."
#6: I need you to put me back in my bed."
#5: "I have to use the potty.  I have to GO!!!"
#4: "I'm scared about something."
       "What?"
       "Umm....something."
#3: "There's a dragon in my room."
#2: "Your computer is distracting me."

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST-

#1:"I can't find my bed."

From the Archives: "If You Ask a Foolish Question..."

Scene: bathroom

Mommy: Celia, why is there lipstick all over the trashcan?

Kid: Because I put it there.

Spooked in October

Scene: Inside car, driving home from Nana and Grandpa's

Kid: Daddy, in Christmas Carol, what's the name of the green ghost you hang around with? 

Actor Dad: The green ghost?

Kid: You know, the one that wears green.

Actor Dad: Oh, that's the Ghost of Christmas Present.  Also known as Seth.

Kid: What's the name of the scary ghost with the big arm?

Actor Dad: That's the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Kid: What should his name be?  It should be something really spooky and scary.

Actor Dad: Mitt.

Kindness

Scene: school playground, recess.  On bench sits Small Classmate, who has been picked on by Hulking Classmate.  Small Classmate's head droops.  She is all alone.
The Kid is playing nearby with Nice Classmate.  She notices Small Classmate.

The Kid (to Small Classmate):  Would you like to play?

Leaving on a jet plane...

Scene: Mom's bedroom 5 minutes after scheduled departure time.

Mom (zipping shut suitcase in despair): Celia, how did this suitcase get so full?  I didn't want to take a fat suitcase.  I didn't mean for this to happen.  Why is it so full?

Kid: Maybe because you put too much stuff in it?

camp morning

Scene: Kitchen and bedroom

Mom (packing lunch): Honey, what do you want in your lunch today?  Do you want half a bagel with tofutti cream cheese?  How about a slice of ham in there?  I'm giving you the rest of the mango for your fruit, does that sound good?  Are you dressed yet?  I need to get you sunscreened.  And your teeth,  don't forget to brush your teeth.  (pause for wrapping and packing)  Are you dressed yet, Sweetie?  You need to get started on your teeth.  And what about your sandwich, what's your choice?
(silence) Hon, did you hear me? (moving to bedroom) What's your choice?  Bagel with tofutti with ham or no ham? (pause) Excuse me, are you listening to me? What do you want for your sandwich?

(kid looks at Mom)

Kid: What?

From the archives: Overheard in the Bathroom

"Daddy, can I put this lipstick on you?"
"No thank you, Honey."
"Please Daddy?"
"No, Sweetie."
"Daddy, I want to put this lipstick on you."
"Celia, daddys don't wear lipstick, well, most daddys anyway."
"Please Daddy?"
"No, Celia."
"Please, please?"
"I said no."
"Please can I put this lipstick on you?"
"Celia, I said NO.  I don't care for any!"
"Let me put this lipstick on you."
"CELIA, I DON'T WANT ANY...oh all right."

From the Archives: Trouble in Paradise

Trouble in Paradise

Scene: Condo in Kauaii

Mom: (rising from bed, where she has been snuggling with 4 year old)  OMG!!!!!!!!!!!  What is this on my bottom??????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4 year old: (moving in for a closer look) That silly putty really sticks!

Grown ups

Scene: kitchen

6 1/2 year old: (twirling through kitchen in purple spangly gown and adult-sized gold pumps)
"I love my high heels!  I love, love, love them!!!!"

PC Mom: How do they make you feel?

6 1/2 year old: Like a grown-up!  (more twirling, then stops, arms up for emphasis) Like, like I'm SEVEN!!!!

sales etiquette

Scene: bathroom

Kid (in bath): Who wants to buy some water?  Who wants to buy some water?  Oh hi (offering cup), would you like to buy some water?

Mom: Of course.

pause

Kid: Pretend I'm not naked.

Mom: Okay.

Kid: Or sitting in a tub full of water.

Mom: Right.